ADHD 1, Enio 0 - MOMENTUMBYENIO

I own a pair of running shoes that have never touched pavement. A full YouTube setup – camera, mic, lights – that has never recorded a single frame. And until an hour ago, a blog whose password I had genuinely forgotten.

That’s the honest inventory of the last nine months. Not the story I wanted to tell.

When I started this blog, I had enormous goals. Huge plans. I could see the road stretched out ahead of me. Somewhere in these last nine months, that road went missing – and somewhere along the way, so did I.

ADHD is winning right now, and I don’t know how to hit back. Or I can’t. Or I won’t – I still haven’t figured out which one is true, and some days it feels like all three at once. I know something has to change. I still can’t move. No will left, like I’m sealed inside a balloon with no way out.

I started going to the gym regularly – the only thing regular about it is the direct debit that leaves my account every month. I’d like to tell you I started something and finished it. I didn’t. I’m still at the starting line, still taking hits, still losing ground.

A thousand ideas in my head. Films, dreams, plans for a different life. Not one of them realized.

I’m sorry for myself, because I know what I’m capable of.

I’m even sorrier for Klavdija.

She deserves the best version of me – the one she isn’t getting right now. It’s hard to live with someone who has ADHD. Harder still to explain it to them. The sudden bursts of anger. The mood that shifts without warning, for no reason either of us can name in the moment. A full day of being “on” around other people, of holding it together in front of everyone else, leaves me so mentally and physically drained that there’s nothing left to give her – or myself – by the time we’re alone.

Some days, any task at all becomes a source of stress. Not a big task. Any task. A single obligation I turn over in my head for hours and never manage to put down, never manage to just finish and let go of. By the time I’m done fighting it, there’s nothing left over for her. I want to give her everything, and what actually lands in her hands is next to nothing. Not what she’s earned. Not close.

Coming back to write this wasn’t easy. I know that the longer I let things sit like this, telling myself it’s a comfort zone, the longer I stay unhappy – because it isn’t comfort. It doesn’t make me happy, and I’m not satisfied with where I am in my life right now. The longer this goes on, the longer that stays true.

I need to be grateful I even get to write this down – that I’m healthy enough to. But physical health was never going to be enough on its own. My mind needs the same work my body does. Right now, I’m doing neither.

So I have to be consistent – in training, in eating well, in this writing. Not perfect. Just consistent.

It won’t always be interesting. I’m no Shakespeare. But a good story can still come out of this – if I’m the one steering it, and not ADHD.

ADHD 1, Enio 0. I’ll give you that one. But this is not the final score.

P.S. Klavdija – thank you for your constant support, and for standing beside me even on the days I don’t deserve it. Better days are ahead of us.