ADHD 1, Enio 0

When I started this blog, I had enormous goals. Huge plans. I could see the road stretched out ahead of me.

For the past nine months, that road has gone missing – and somewhere along the way, so did I.

It’s hard when ADHD is winning and you don’t know how to hit back. Or you can’t. Or you won’t. It’s hard to know, deep down, that something has to change, and still not be able to move – no will left, like you’re trapped inside a balloon you can’t find your way out of.

I’d like to tell you I’ve changed a lot this year. The honest, unglamorous truth is this: I bought running shoes and still haven’t run a single kilometer. I bought every piece of gear for a YouTube channel and haven’t filmed a single video. I started going to the gym regularly – the only thing regular about it is the direct debit that leaves my account every month. I’d like to tell you I started something and finished it. I didn’t. I’m still at the starting line, still taking hits, still losing ground to ADHD.

A thousand ideas in my head. Films, dreams, plans for a different life. Not one of them realized.

I’m sorry to myself, because I know what I’m capable of.

I’m even sorrier to Klavdija, because she doesn’t deserve this. She deserves the best version of me – the one she isn’t getting right now. It’s hard to live with someone who has ADHD, and harder still to explain it: the sudden bursts of anger, the mood that shifts without warning. How a full day of being “on” around other people leaves you so mentally and physically drained that you have nothing left to give anyone, including yourself. How some days, for someone with ADHD, any task at all becomes a source of stress – a single obligation you turn over in your head for hours and never manage to put down. It’s hard when you want to give someone everything, and what actually lands in their hands is next to nothing. Not what they’ve earned. Not close.

Coming back to this blog wasn’t easy either – I’d even forgotten my own password. But I know that the longer I let things sit like this, telling myself it’s a comfort zone, the longer I stay unhappy. Because it isn’t comfort. It doesn’t make me happy, and I’m not satisfied with where I am in my life right now. The longer this goes on, the longer that stays true.

I know I need to pull myself together – to look at things differently, and to be grateful that I even get to write this down, that I’m healthy, and that being healthy in body isn’t enough. I need to do the work to be healthy in mind too, because that might be the most important work any of us can do – and right now, I’m doing none of it.

So I have to be consistent. At least try to be – in everything: training, eating well, working on myself, working with the people around me, and yes, in this writing too.

It won’t always be interesting. I’m no Shakespeare. But a good story can still come out of this – if I’m the one steering it, and not ADHD.

So: ADHD, I’ll give you this one. You got the first goal. It’s 1-0. But that is not how this ends. I promise you that.

P.S. Klavdija – thank you for your constant support, and for standing beside me even on the days I don’t deserve it. Better days are ahead of us.